WORDS WOMEN USE

1.) "FINE": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) "FIVE MINUTES": If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes, you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

4.) "GO AHEAD": This is a dare, not permission. DON'T DO IT!

5.) " Loud Sigh": This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing".)

6.) " THAT'S OKAY": This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means, she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) " Thanks": A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say, "you're welcome".

8.) "WHATEVER": Is a women's way of saying ----- YOU ________!

9.) " DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT": Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

MEN

1. Men are like...Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like... Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like... Popcorn...They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


ITS JUST A JOKE, GUYS


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those We Love Don't Go Away,They Walk Beside Us Everyday,Unseen, Unheard, But Always Near.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHERE DO PETS COME FROM ?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And DOG lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And DOG was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. DOG has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And CAT would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into CAT's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased .. And DOG was happy.


And CAT didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Social Security

After Retiring, I went to the social security office.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later.
"The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt.
"So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."