WHO'S IN CHARGE

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the! rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!

Friends vs. Italian friends

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.
FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.

THE POST OFFICE

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna. The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."

How to treat a woman

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.!


How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.

Touching story

Here's a story about a bond formed between a 5 year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

do not talk to my parrot

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.""Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repair man go about his work.The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!
"See, men just don't listen !

The CAT

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?""Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask? "Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions home! "

On a lighter side

A priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......

"Shit, I missed."

Oceanography from the young

I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls.(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.(Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.(Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.(Russ age 5)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those We Love Don't Go Away,They Walk Beside Us Everyday,Unseen, Unheard, But Always Near.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
09 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
08 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
07 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
06 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
05 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
04 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
03 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
02 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
01 - We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.