1.) "FINE": This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) "FIVE MINUTES": If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes, you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) "Nothing": This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".
4.) "GO AHEAD": This is a dare, not permission. DON'T DO IT!
5.) " Loud Sigh": This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing".)
6.) " THAT'S OKAY": This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means, she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) " Thanks": A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say, "you're welcome".
8.) "WHATEVER": Is a women's way of saying ----- YOU ________!
9.) " DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT": Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Monday, April 9, 2007
MEN
1. Men are like...Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like...Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like... Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like... Popcorn...They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
ITS JUST A JOKE, GUYS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those We Love Don't Go Away,They Walk Beside Us Everyday,Unseen, Unheard, But Always Near.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Men are like...Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like... Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like... Blenders... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like... Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like... Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like... Popcorn...They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like... Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like... Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
ITS JUST A JOKE, GUYS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those We Love Don't Go Away,They Walk Beside Us Everyday,Unseen, Unheard, But Always Near.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday, April 7, 2007
WHERE DO PETS COME FROM ?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And DOG lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And DOG was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. DOG has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And CAT would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into CAT's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased .. And DOG was happy.
And CAT didn't give a shit one way or the other.
And DOG lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And DOG was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. DOG has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And CAT would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into CAT's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased .. And DOG was happy.
And CAT didn't give a shit one way or the other.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Social Security
After Retiring, I went to the social security office.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later.
"The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt.
"So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later.
"The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt.
"So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
FOOD for THOUGHT
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? 2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3.Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when >you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with >a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18.Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in >summer when we complained about the heat?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
21. And my FAVORITE... ... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three >best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. ``~~~~~~~Yep, >my friends are OK
3.Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when >you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with >a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18.Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in >summer when we complained about the heat?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
21. And my FAVORITE... ... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three >best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. ``~~~~~~~Yep, >my friends are OK
Saturday, February 17, 2007
WHO'S IN CHARGE
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the! rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs , "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the! rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? The asshole is usually in charge !!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Friends vs. Italian friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.
FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Always bring the food.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.
FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
ITALIAN FRIENDS: Are for life.
Monday, February 12, 2007
THE POST OFFICE
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna. The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."
Thursday, February 8, 2007
How to treat a woman
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.!
How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.!
How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Touching story
Here's a story about a bond formed between a 5 year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
do not talk to my parrot
DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.""Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repair man go about his work.The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!
"See, men just don't listen !
"See, men just don't listen !
The CAT
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?""Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask? "Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions home! "
Monday, February 5, 2007
On a lighter side
A priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Oceanography from the young
I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls.(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.(Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.(Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.(Russ age 5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those We Love Don't Go Away,They Walk Beside Us Everyday,Unseen, Unheard, But Always Near.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oysters' balls are called pearls.(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.(Kylie age 6)
A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.(Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)
There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.(Russ age 5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Those We Love Don't Go Away,They Walk Beside Us Everyday,Unseen, Unheard, But Always Near.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, February 2, 2007
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
09 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
08 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
07 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
06 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
05 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
04 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
03 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
02 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
01 - We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
09 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
08 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
07 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
06 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
05 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
04 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
03 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
02 - In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
01 - We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
THE PLAN by Robin Williams
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.
The Plan!You gotta love Robin Williams...... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else(like Canada ! or Oklahoma!). They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way , no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
The Plan!You gotta love Robin Williams...... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else(like Canada ! or Oklahoma!). They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way , no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS
The truth about Cats and Dogs
The Basic Philosophy A dog thinks: Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . .they must be gods! A cat thinks:Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . .I must be a god! What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost you money. Conclusion: They are tiny little women in fur coats. What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are tiny little men in fur coats.
The Basic Philosophy A dog thinks: Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . .they must be gods! A cat thinks:Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . .I must be a god! What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost you money. Conclusion: They are tiny little women in fur coats. What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They can never have enough toys and they leave them everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are tiny little men in fur coats.
Monday, January 29, 2007
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
A WOMENS REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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